piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
