i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
