i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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