Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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