its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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