Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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