If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Randomize
