my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
