I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
