She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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