can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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