you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
