I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
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