You made me cry and you don't even care
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Randomize
