Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
