I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
You are the jesus of drinking
Randomize
