I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
