My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Randomize
