I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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