thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Do you have feelings for this penis?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
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