I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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