So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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