Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
How does it feel to date your dad?
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