We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
