Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Randomize
