matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
My ATM looks so different sober.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
