I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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