Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
