she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
