I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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