Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Oh god it's open bar.
Randomize
