Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Randomize
