My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
