so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
