She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
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