Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
