Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
