tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
