I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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