I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize