Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
