When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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