You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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