btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Randomize
