just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
