I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
