Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
