I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Can't talk, ducks in the car
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
