I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just tell him i said nine months
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I need to sanitize my soul.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
