Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
