I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Randomize
