Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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